Thursday, July 21, 2011

Then: A Slow Journey Through Hell That JUST WON'T END!

In the past, when I had thought about what would happen if I died, especially while there were still children at home, I had tried VERY HARD not to get pissed bitter sick at the thought of my husband re-marrying.  I felt like it would be selfish of me to expect him to live out the rest of his days alone, especially when he would have all of these children to take care of....but part of me felt equally strongly that I really wanted my husband to love and adore me to the degree that getting remarried would never even cross his mind.  I purposely did not bring this subject up very often because THAT is certainly one discussion that NEVER goes well, but Husband knew how irritated/trying not to be irrationally angry I felt about the subject.

But there came a point in this pregnancy, where I really wasn't sure I was going to survive, and I thought my family might be better off without me anyway, so I told Husband one night that, although it wasn't my favorite idea, I would not come back and angrily haunt him if this pregnancy killed me, and he got remarried someday.

January 2, 2010
I’m trying not to dread Monday……back to stressing about transportation for the boys and homework, sigh. And getting up at 6:30am, that’s always so fun.

January 4, 2010
So far today is going OK, but the day is young! I miss feeling capable of handling the demands of my life.

Some dear friends of ours, who are not able to visit very often, were going to be passing through one day.  Normally, I liked to have a certain favorite treat baked when they came, especially since we didn't see them very often.  I REALLY wanted to do that for this visit too, but it was SO HARD;  it took every particle of strength I could muster to make that batch of treats.  How could something I had done so many times seem so impossibly hard?

January 6, 2010
I’m doing much better physically……at least, up to the point where my physical state is affecting my mental state.  Everything I usually do just seems so overwhelming right now, like I’ll be crushed under the weight of it if I even try. My mental state is SLOWLY improving; I’m not as depressed as I was, but the anxiety is still tormenting me. Like I wasn’t already a worrier who was nervous in people situations……

(Note the changing tone in the updates as the time goes on....remember:  I was STILL nauseous, the first three babies came during week 37, I was hoping that Joseph coming as late as he did was just a fluke, and I wanted this baby to come out so I would stop feeling sick!)

Babywatch update:  Well, I’ve made it to the weekly appointments where they check my progress every time. Today I am 2-3 cm dilated, but the baby is still pretty high. It seems like progress though =). Next appointment on Tuesday……

January 7, 2010
I made 11 batches of strawberry jam today……we’ll see if all of that standing puts me into real labor. So far just random contractions.

This anxiety is killing me!! I tried to read yesterday while I was waiting for my doctor’s appointment, but it made me anxious! I’m afraid I’m going to have a full-blown panic attack on the way to the hospital when I’m really in labor.

I hope I feel better once the baby comes; part of me is worried that it won’t make a difference. And part of me feels like this is just so unreal, even though I can feel the baby moving and I can feel the contractions that are coming every evening.

I should really go to bed……I’m so tired……

January 8, 2010
Baby’s still inside, and it feels like he’s trying to punch through my cervix or poke a hole in my stomach to get out. I won’t be really irritated unless he doesn’t come by the 17th……then I’ll be pretty grumpy. I thought it would be fun to have the baby sometime today because it is Grandma’s birthday, and I had David on Grandpa’s birthday, but my friends are throwing me a baby shower tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to that; how many times in your life does someone throw you a party where everyone brings you presents that you know you will like? I’m just hoping I don’t have problems with anxiety tomorrow when it is time to actually go to the party.

January 9, 2010
The baby shower was more or less fine; I forgot how uncomfortable it is when a bunch of people are watching you open presents, but it was fun to get lots of diapers and some new, cute baby outfits. Three of my friends made me a blanket using a square pattern I made, so that was a special present——of course I love handmade things I didn’t have to make, and I love projects that people work on together.

January 12, 2010
I am tired, grumpy, huge, and everything from my ribs down to my knees hurts. It is hard work bringing a new person into existence! I’m not counting minutes between contractions because they are still pretty far apart, and I’m trying not to count minutes until the baby comes because I always think the baby’s arrival is going to make me feel better, but it doesn’t because of the waking up all night and the 3 weeks of nursing agony. Knowing my luck, the nursing agony will last even longer this time. I can’t believe that I am still nauseous enough to feel yucky! Guess I’m going out of this pregnancy business with a bang……

Babywatch:  Humph. No change since last week, despite many random contractions. Grumpiness increasing.

January 18, 2010
It’s looking like a pretty safe bet that I won’t have the baby today...any time now would be is so draining to be on edge all the time, wondering when labor is going to seriously start (while I’m picking the boys up would not be a good time) and wondering how to rearrange everything else (getting people to and from school, etc.) on the spur of the moment since we can’t plan on anything.

January 20, 2010
So, I decided that it would be nice and meaningful if I had this baby today, on the 20th, because then I would have started and ended my childbearing experience on a 20th, and I would have done this for exactly 10 ½ years. No luck so far. It’s not looking good unless this baby breaks with tradition and comes during the day instead of the middle of the night. And I can feel this MASSIVE panic attack wanting to come out about this whole situation (the unknown! The pain! The possibilities of terrible things that could happen!), and it’s hard work holding that back.

January 21, 2010
Another rotten update because I am still pregnant:  Today I am 38 ½ weeks pregnant, and 3-4 cm dilated. Still no sign that the baby is actually on his way.

January 24, 2010
I just CANNOT BELIEVE that I am 39 weeks pregnant;  what happened to magical 37 weeks?  I feel like there is nothing in my life I can count on after this whole experience.  I am so bitter.  It is really draining expecting to go into labor at any second....for TWO WEEKS.  It gets old trying to make sure I have a plan for each day, just in case this is the day.  Not to forget the fear that gets stronger every day as this baby gets bigger and bigger while he is not coming out.   I remember quite clearly from my first experience that, although all babies come out somehow, not all babies come out well and without great physical suffering, because, you know, I haven't suffered enough with this pregnancy...and yet, when it's all over, I'm sure I will look back and it will seem like it went by so fast. 

January 25, 2010
Oh yes, still pregnant. Anxiety climbing every minute as I contemplate why this baby isn’t coming out. My vote is that he is wrapped up in his cord and that’s why he hasn’t dropped, and he won’t be coming out on his own. I can’t even rail on God because I’m sure He has His reasons……what if I am going to die in childbirth and this is His way of giving my family the most possible days to spend with me? Can’t really complain about that I guess. If I just weren’t already so weak still from the previous suffering, this would be easier to deal with.

January 27, 2010
I just can’t seem to get past the fact that I AM STILL PREGNANT and with each passing day I lose a little more confidence that this is going to end well.

January 28, 2010
I don’t know what I did to offend God...……but it must have been something incredible. The doctor’s appointment I was supposed to have tomorrow morning has been rescheduled for me, despite my protests, so now I get to wait THREE MORE DAYS to ask them strip my membranes and schedule my induction. Even though I will be OVERDUE on Monday, I don’t know if I will be able to convince them to induce me (because I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE), since they obviously care so much about my well-being already. I have been so thoroughly beaten by this whole experience that I am afraid I am not going to be able to muster up the strength to push this baby out should the opportunity ever arise. There’s the update for the week.

1 comment:

Val said...

Wow, just wow oh wow! Finally found the time to read back thru your pregnancy posts & I am in awe of your fortitude...

All it took was ONE crappy emotional experience for me, suffering through pregnancy w/Z, & I swore I would never put myself through anything like that EVER AGAIN!
("It's complicated", of course - it wasn't just one miserable pregnancy, it was the two heartrending failures prior to that, the complicated misery of my 1st marriage's disintegration, Ex's continued psychological torture of me - & when he couldn't afflict me directly anymore, torture/abuse of our son...)