Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Then: A Slow Journey Through Hell Continues

During so many minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months where I could not escape the suffering and had plenty of time to think about things, I decided that chances were pretty good that, 3 or 4 years after this baby was born and I was (hopefully) feeling strong again, I might decide that I could get pregnant one more time.  Although I thought I MIGHT be able to survive the physical suffering again, I was QUITE CERTAIN that I would not survive the mental agony, should that attack me again.  In an effort to keep myself from having this experience again, I decided that I should probably take preventative measures.  I told my doctors to make a note in my chart so that, if something happened and I ended up having a C-section, they would do a tubal ligation while they were in there anyway.  I had to sign papers for that, of course;  it took me a month to be able to look at and sign those papers, and, even though I was SO completely miserable, I still cried when I gave the papers to the nurse to put in my chart because I did not want my child-bearing years to be over, but I didn't feel like I had much choice.

One of the things that gave me great anxiety was feeling like I was going to ruin Ian and David's educations because I couldn't teach them like I wanted to while I was that sick.  Husband and I decided to send them to school for that school year.  Ian did fine (he was THRILLED about having a whole room full of people to talk to!), but David REALLY hated it.  He was so far ahead of what his class was doing.  I really regret sending him to school;  he would have been fine and learned more at home that year, but I just couldn't think clearly at the time we made that decision.

While I was pregnant, I couldn't even bear to look in their backpacks when they came home.  The piles of papers, assignments, calendars....I felt like I was being smothered when I saw any of those things. 

September 30, 2009
We had our ultrasound and found out that we are going to have another precious boy! I am 22 weeks now and still sick and losing weight =(. Hopefully the nausea will end before the pregnancy does!

October 5, 2009
I’ve been so sick that we had to put the boys in school =(.

October 22, 2009
I’m still having social anxiety/avoidance issues here. I can’t believe how hard it is even just to email.

November 5, 2009
I don’t think there will be any more baby announcements from us after this. This one has about done me in =(.  There really are no words to adequately describe how much suffering has been involved in this pregnancy; I’m afraid this one broke my spirit, and I’m still trying to recover. The recovery is not going well.  I’m having a hard time doing the things I usually do……even email, isn’t that sad?  I still can’t even take care of my family =(, and I feel really bad that I can’t take care of my friends the way I like to either.

November 19, 2009
I am still surviving one day at a time.  Today wasn't too bad, which was a nice surprise because the day didn't have a good start when it started at 5 AM.  Probably the high point of my day was managing to get my next doctor's appointment for 3 1/2 weeks from now instead of 2 weeks like the doctor wanted =).   (I really enjoyed the increasingly SHOCKED look on the receptionist's face as she would present me with my few, paltry appointment choices, and, instead of happily kissing her feet and taking the first offered slot, I would say, "I'm sorry;  that isn't going to work for me.  What else do you have?"  She just couldn't fathom why I was not willing to make the experience of sitting in the stuffy waiting room for 1-2 hours EVEN WORSE for myself by taking a time that would force me to re-arrange other things.  And she was STUNNED that I really WAS NOT going to take one of those appointments even though it meant I would be coming in a full week and a half later than I was supposed to!)

November 30, 2009
I am still spending quite a bit of time sitting on the couch staring into space or in my room crying. The fires of anxiety are burning bright again today……This is hell; this is hell on earth, being trapped in my mind that still feels like a raw nerve. I continue to be amazed at how truly awful things are, and yet they manage to get worse and worse. I just don’t want to know what’s coming next.
I have considered going to the hospital, and I would do it if I thought it would do any good, but I really worry that it would push me right over the edge. I’m already barely coping, and I don’t think it would do good things for me to get out of my comfort-zone environment, be away from my excellent, supportive husband, and have my sleep messed up even more. Plus, if this is related to the pregnancy, I'd wager they don’t know what to do with that……my OBs don’t seem to know what to do and neither does the psychiatrist. I am DESPERATELY PRAYING that this will somehow improve once the baby is born, but I’m not really hopeful, given how things tend to go in my life.
I still get nauseous if I get tired, but I can eat pretty regularly now. I’m REALLY grateful that I can drink when I’m thirsty now too!
Ian and David are adjusting to life at school. Ian liked it right off, but it took David a little longer to adjust, and he would still prefer to be home schooled. Marie and Joseph are learning and growing.

What cinnamon sugar toast?  I don't know what you are talking about!
Quite often they will play together really well; it is fun to watch them being buddies.

Cute "matching" siblings!  Joseph loves that sister!
Husband is keeping busy at work and doing the things I still can’t do; he’s a pretty happy guy.
David, Marie, and Joseph are really excited for the new baby; Ian is more interested in WWII airplanes =)! Joseph is especially excited, which is cute to see. Of course, he has no idea about the reality of the situation, but hopefully he’ll be like David and love the baby anyway; it was so cute to watch David when Marie was born! He loved her right away.
Part of me really misses homeschooling the boys; there’s just something so nice about letting them learn at their own pace and seeing just how much they can learn doing things they enjoy.  Ian comes home with homework that I can tell he just doesn’t understand because his brain just isn’t there yet; it’s so much easier for them to learn something when they’re ready. The other part of me is relieved to have that burden lifted; it’s really hard to try to school so many at once. Now I’m mainly focusing on Marie, and Joseph learns things as he’s ready to notice them; Ian and David worked that way too——David learned SOOOO many things just because Ian was doing it. It really wouldn’t be bad if I could just do one child at a time.  Putting the boys in school relieved one kind of stress but created another, sigh. At least David isn’t throwing a screaming fit while being carried to the car every morning anymore……he’s a little bitter.


Sam said...

Most people don't understand why I made my husband get a vasectomy while I was still pregnant. It makes me sad, but I can never be pregnant again.

Doing My Best said...

Sam--I understand. Even knowing that it's what you have to do, it is a hard thing! (I told Husband that if I didn't end up with a C-section/tubal that it would be up to HIM to take preventative measures AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.)