Friday, July 29, 2011

Home With Baby #5....and the Mean Voice in My Head

Such a sweet big brother!!
Every other time I had brought a baby home, it had been really hectic and stressful THANK YOU STUPID HORMONES.  Ian had screamed constantly and RARELY slept, and then when I brought each additional baby home, there was already another little person or two or three who still needed me EVERY! MINUTE!  But this time was WONDERFUL!  Ian and David were old enough to help Marie and Joseph if they needed anything, but Marie and Joseph were old enough that they really could do most things for themselves.  David, Marie, and Joseph were FASCINATED with our new baby and loved to hold him and look at him and do anything I needed them to do to help (run diapers back and forth, sit by the baby so I could use the bathroom BY MYSELF, etc...).  They honestly acted like this baby was the BEST! PRESENT! EVER!.....and it made me sad that I would never be able to give them the BEST! PRESENT! EVER! again. 

The tiny newborn feet and scrunched up legs!!!
I had been a little concerned about how Joseph was going to handle the reality of the baby coming home, since HE had been the baby for 3 1/2 years (although we had stopped referring to him as the baby a couple years ago), but there was NO PROBLEM at all!  Before the baby came home we had 2 groups of kids:  the older kids (2) and the younger kids (2).  Once Jeffrey came home we had the same 2 groups, but the baby was now the only "younger kid" since everyone else, including Joseph, counted themself as one of the older kids.

Because I JUST COULDN'T CATCH A BREAK The toe-curling nursing agony started right on schedule and lasted for the usual 3 weeks, so that was miserable to deal with on top of the baby waking up all night long.

Before Jeffrey was born, I talked to our family medical professional about our history of screaming babies and asked if we could start this one on Zant@c as soon as he came home from the hospital.  We did that, and, at the magical 3 week point at which his previous 3 siblings had started the hours-long nightly scream, he started.....the nightly fuss!  He got a little grumpy, but he did not scream for hours and hours like those before him!!

The toesies!  And the face!  And the velvet-soft baby hair!
So, you know how sometimes the Mean Voice in your head (Um, if you've never heard the Mean Voice in YOUR head, you might want to just skip the rest of this and kindly not inform me that I'm crazier than I thought crazy....) tries to tell you that the reason this person or that person hasn't answered your emails/phone calls/tweets is because you are an irritating loser and why would anyone want to be friends with you anyway?  And, on a good day, you can tell that Mean Voice that you are pretty sure that people are just busy with life or dealing with their own problems, and it is your job as someone's friend to hang in there and be supportive, and they'll most likely start answering you when things settle down.  But then, every so often, someone will actually make it VERY CLEAR that, yes, indeed, they do think you are an bothersome, needy, useless waste of space and could you just GET THE HINT ALREADY?!  Experiences like that make it harder for me to argue with the Mean Voice the next time it is talking to me....and I had TWO experiences like that, within days of each other, right smack in the middle of the Hell that is Postpartum.  In my weakened (from the physical suffering of my pregnancy), wounded (from the attack of the Dementors severe depression and anxiety) condition, those experiences just confirmed my worst fears:  the long fight for my life struggle with my pregnancy had turned me into a worthless, heavy burden to the degree that even my oldest friends didn't want to put forth the effort to be friends with me anymore, and who knows what you're worth you better than your oldest friends?


d e v a n said...

Oh dear, I hate those mean voices.

Swistle said...

ME TOO. Those mean voices are...mean. And then I have that same problem with "But it HAS BEEN CONFIRMED." Like, I may be crazy, but SOMETIMES I AM ALSO RIGHT.